I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
