wanna go halves on a baby?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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