The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dignity is for republicans.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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