I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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