based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
