One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
