if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
