wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
