Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
