I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
