ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
