Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
you never un-have a 4some
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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