Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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