I just pynch a tree in the face
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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