I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
