Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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