What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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