ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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