I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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