did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
