My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
