I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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