totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize