Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
