actually, I'm a sock model
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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