hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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