I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
