I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
