I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
