Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
where are you?
Hypothermia
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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