Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
