I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just pee around me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
