Don't make out with my wife yet
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
