Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
