You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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