Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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