we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
