In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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