I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
i think i just lost a toe
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
