Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
