dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
