I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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