i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
