My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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