sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
