you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
