Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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