Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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