The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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