I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
