Pants 0. Shit 1.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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