Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
