even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
