yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
