First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize