At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
