It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
